Budak kecik

Assalamualaikum,

Am trying to study paediatrics really hard. I loved going through the cycle even though it was hard, what with our nice but strict lecturer, the russian textbook we have to study from, and answering and explaining in class in russian. But, I liked it. Somehow I was good at it.

It's New Year's Eve. I was out for dinner just a few hours ago. Just having dinner and wandering around the shops by myself. The shops are crooowded. *eyeroll*. The things which were unsought during any other time of the year were jumping of the shelves by the second. People were so busy thinking about what to buy, which present goes to who. It's interesting this time around. It's like ramadhan. People are so focused on doing good, giving more, enjoying the gatherings, and relishing in the celebration at the end of it -Eid...or in the current case- New Year.

Here, in Russia, New Year really is a bundle of very extravagant celebrations, which almost every russian looks forward to. Shed your worries, failures and disappointments of the past year. It's the start of a brand new year, the time to start anew- a brand new you, with brand new goals, and brand new motivations.

Among the sea of russians  with happy smiling faces, scattered around Russia are faces with determined brows, flashing eyes, and darkened eyebags, the owners of which have caffeine, instead of blood, flowing in their system.
It's the exams season, people! Everyone is like this. I'm sorry I'm hooked on coffee again, mom. At least I stopped for 4 and a half months *enthusiastic tone*. Eheh.

People need to go out explore and be temporarily absorbed in other people's lives, feel the general vibe, the charge in the air, be lost in other people's emotions and being, because they can go crazy if they keep swimming in their own thoughts, consumed in the obstacles they're going through, analyzing everything that happened and imagining everything else that might, getting lost in finding solutions. Along the way this type of people learn how the world spins, how life goes, how people are. So, they know what people would feel in what situation if what is done. Hence, they have the wisdom of knowing what to do and not do. It becomes not just an instinct, but it becomes who they are. They acquire the knowledge of what to do to make people happy, sad, hurt or give them what they want. It depends. It is in their hands and in their hearts to choose what they would do with that knowledge.
Social science is like magic. You don't see the rock that is already drowning into the water, you only see the ripples made by it.

But with great knowledge comes great responsibility.

A person with knowledge of pediatrics are more responsible for ill children than any other person who might not even know what pediatrics mean. (*cue high-pitched nasal voice* "Pediatrics? Is that like a Greek word or sumtin'? It's, like, a specialist in, like, doing pedicures, right? No? Huuh. Are you, like, suuure? Why are you, like, asking me this anyways? Who are you?? Get outta heeere")
Hee.

Let's get outta here. It's exams season, people! Go hit the books!

If that is what it takes...

Scene 1:
Aqi called her Dad. He told her to call mom. He said she cried because she missed her.
Aqi skyped with her lil bro, Akmal. He told her to call mom. Mom's been telling him that she misses Aqi, but she couldn't get hold of her.

Scene 2:
Dinner time, the family dining, but one person's missing. Akmal was doing his foundation in another state. At the table, Aqi's other siblings were bickering about small things, as they usually do. Mom suddenly cried. The others stopped quarreling. Aqi glared at them, and went straight to her room. She didn't eat dinner that night. She was so upset because she thought her mom cried because she was upset with her siblings bickering. Later she found out that she was wrong. Her mom cried because she missed Akmal and she was so sad seeing the heaps of hot food they had on the dinner table, and thinking what he, on the other hand, was having for dinner.

Scene 3:
In Aqi's bedroom. She was sitting on a stool, her mom was sitting across her on the edge of a bed. The had a long heart-to-heart conversation about a lot things, the conversation ending with Aqi crying and her mom hushing and hugging her. A part of the conversation was Aqi saying:

"Ma, tahu kan yang Aqi sekarang terlibat dan dah jatuh cintan-cintun dengan si dia yang bernama samaran D.T (bukan Donald Trump!) Allah janjikan yang Islam itu akan naik kembali, tapi cuma kita tak tahu bila. Boleh jadi semasa hayat Aqi, boleh jadi tak. Tapi, Aqi selalu mengimpikan menyahut seruan jihad dan duduk melutut, lutut kanan di tanah, dan lutut kiri didirikan tegak, tangan kanan dilepaskan ke bawah, tangan kiri diletakkan di atas lutut kiri...menanti perintah dan amanah..cam knight gitu! heehee~ tak tahu la layak ke tak, takut sangat bila Islam bangkit dan mereka mencari kader-kader Islam, entah-entah Aqi ni tak cukup kelayakan...hmmm...

Ma, andai kata ditakdirkan kebangkitan Islam tu berlaku dalam hayat Aqi, andai kata Mesir, contohnya, ditakdirkan jadi capital Islam waktu itu -sebab sekarang ni kita nampak kebangkitan Islam tu dengan Ikhwanul Muslimin di sana kan?- dan khalifah mengarahkan semboyan dibunyikan, menyeru  daie-daie, rijal-rijal berjiwa Islam, hawariyyun2 penolong agama Allah ni, dari semua pelosok dunia, untuk berkumpul di Mesir, dan sahut seruan untuk berjihad...emmmmmm.....macam... mana?"

Her mom replied:

"Kalau macam tu, mama benarkan. Mama akan lepaskan Aqi. Macam sekarang ni pun, Aqi belajar jauh kat negara orang, mama sentiasa ingatkan Aqi untuk dekatkan diri pada Allah kan? Sebab mama lepaskan Aqi dengan keyakinan Aqi berada dalam perlindungan Allah. Kalau tak, mama takkan lepaskan Aqi. Bila ada Allah, yakin dengan Allah, mama yakin insyaAllah Aqi dalam keadaan baik. Mama suka bila Aqi dengan D.T. Bagus la. Sebagai ibu, mama suka sebab bila dengan D.T Aqi jadi dekat dengan Allah. Mama macam gitu je - bila Aqi ada Allah, mama letak keyakinan pada Allah untuk jaga Aqi."

Aqi, added cheekily: 

"Hehehe..ya laaaa..ibu-ibu sepatutnya suka la kan? sebab kalau anak-anak mereka gugur, jalannya adalah sorga..eheh.."

Scene 4:
It's midnight, Aqi's crying. She had been feeling restless and her heart had been feeling heavy all evening. She felt hurt, and at the same time there's this unidentified feeling that's filling the space in her chest. It's painful to see someone she cares about fillah being hurt. Remember Abu Dzar, a companion of the Prophet's? Alas, it was proven that the people of Makkah weren't ready for true and complete submission to Allah. That person is the Abu Dzar of this community, a companion of Aqi's. When someone sacrifices one's self, one's property fillah....it's not like Aqi can object or say "no, don't do it"...because if that is what it takes for Abu Dzar to go to jannah...then...

Aqi is suddenly reminded of her mom. She just realized how actually an enormous deal it is for her mom to let her go if the calling of jihad came. Considering the love she has for her daughter, the idea of her daughter dying, or even slightly hurt might just break her soft heart into two, but...
if that is what it takes for Aqi to go to jannah....
then...
as her mother....
how can she say no?

**********************[Al Baqarah 207-209]*********************

Dan di antara manusia ada orang yang mengorbankan dirinya untuk mencari keridaan Allah. Dan Allah Maha Penyantun kepada hamba-hambaNya. (207)

Wahai orang-orang beriman! Masuklah ke dalam Islam secara keseluruhan, dan janganlah kamu ikuti langkah-langkah syaitan. Sungguh ia musuh yang nyata bagimu. (208)

Tetapi jika kamu tergelincir setelah bukti-bukti yang nyata sampai kepadamu, ketahuilah bahawa Allah Maha Perkasa, Maha Bijaksana. (209)

                                          The resurgence. Intifada!

                          Millions of martyrs march towards Jerusalem!

NB! D.T adalah Dakwah dan Tarbiyah *senyum sipu*

That Big Shot

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

It's a Monday morning. You walk with your purple Adidas sneakers into a security-guarded building located in the center of the city. The guard looks at you up and down, registering you in - purple sneakers, jeans, simple black calf-length jubah with purple flower details along the hem, purple hijab neatly and safely covering your head and chest - doesn't look like any threat. Walking across the lobby, no one really gives you any notice, because everyone's busy. Everyone's bustling here and there, with worksheets and documents. So much work to be done.
You could stop someone and ask them, but you decide naaaahh you won't.
You push the button for the lift, and you go up to the highest floor.
The luxurious suite-like office is air conditioned and smells fresh with a tinge of- what is that? lavender?- you're not sure, but it makes you feel like you stepped out of the lift into a garden.
The beige colored carpet under your soles are soft. The lights are adequate and soothing.

You go up to the secretary and ask for him. The secretary says he's holding a meeting, he's busy as always. You ask for him anyways.
Few minutes later, you hear footsteps, striding fast along the bare-floored corridor. He's calling out your name, asking if you're okay. He reaches you, and you smile. No, it's just this heavy feeling that you're having, just this difficulty that you're facing.
He smiles, sits you down and says " I already know, but tell me all about it, anyways"

Short entry before starting on my paeds notes.

You know what? Considering the above statement, how sweet it is to be in a relationship with Allah?
I mean, if someone who's reaaaally important and reaaally busy, makes time to listen to your problems, your whining, your confessions, your pleas, anyone would be so grateful, so touched! You'd feel like you're so special to that big shot person.

But Allah is The Boss. The Big Shot. He's super busy, like 24/7. He controls everything that's just starting to live, maintains their life and controls how everything ends. Imagine the development of a foetus in the womb alone. Everything needs to be accurate. And He keeps everything according to His will in all the wombs all the time!

Plus, He's already The All-Knowing. He knows what you're going through. Even the feelings that you can't put into words, the ones that others won't understand, He understands best.

And yet, He wants to hear it from you. He wants you to call on Him, tell Him your problems, whine to Him, confess to Him, ask from Him advice on how you should go about it, ask from him solutions.
You better do, 'cause He'll be angry if you don't ;)

And He'd absolutely love to hear your proud recitations of His Words in the sunlight, or your sweet whispers of praise and love in the deep of the night.

Come, let's fall in love with Allah all over again, over and over again... Ah-ha' !

Tangisan hati kaca

Kebelakangan ini, aku selalu merasakan hati ini terlalu lembut, mata ini terlalu mudah menitiskan air mata, dada ini terlalu mudah merasa sesak.
Ada saja yang membuat aku tersentuh.
Tersilap membuat pilihan untuk menentukan lebih baik adik-adik yang mahu dibawa berjalan dipisah dua dahulu atau tidak, lebik baik dibawa makan di kedai pizza atau Kulinaria, lalu memisah dua dan makan di kedai pizza membuatkan kelewatan dalam pergerakan dan nampaknya merumitkan sahabat-sahabat lain yang ingin dibantu, cukup untuk membuat aku tersedu.
Mendengar kisah Mus'ab bin Umair yang mendahulukan saudara seaqidah dari saudara darah membuat aku rasa tersentak seketika, rasa kagum dan tersentuh memenuhi ruang dada ini.
Melihat video seorang adik yang merelakan kekasih hati untuk bakal dikahwini kakak tirinya, kerana sayangnya dia pada ibu tiri dan kakak tirinya, cukup membuatkan aku sedih.
Malah, melihat lakonan tentang seorang lelaki yang telah bertahun lama memendam rasa kehilangan pujaan hatinya kerana satu kesilapan yang bodoh turut membuat aku sebak kerana aku dapat membayangkan saat bila hati itu remuk.

Ya, aku kenal rasa itu, aku tahu saat itu apabila masa dirasakan terhenti, dan kita seolah-olah dapat mendengar hati itu seperti kaca yang jatuh ke lantai lalu berkecai menjadi ratusan serpihan. Lalu kita menjadi kosong, seperti berada di awangan, rasa tidak percaya bahawa kita telah melalui rasa itu.

Ya, aku memang dikenali sebagai seorang yang berhati lembut, tetapi, kebelakangan ini rasanya ia lebih dari itu.
Ada sahaja yang membuatkan aku tersentuh, sedih, sebak.

Kadang-kadang hidup ini membuatkan aku cukup sedih. Walau bagaimana cara pun orang melihat aku, aku juga seperti manusia lain yang mempunyai waktu gembiranya dan waktu sedihnya.
Mungkin sesuatu perkara tidak memberi kesan langsung pada orang lain, tapi ia memberi kesan kepada ku. Bayangkan pula apabila hati yang seperti kaca ini sentiasa diuji dengan dugaan-dugaan dan cabaran yang tidak dilalui oleh orang lain. Maka, bila sahaja hati ini rasa tersentuh, sebak, penuh emosi, aku akan mengalirkan air mata, seperti gelas yang dipenuhi air, perlu diluahkan apa isinya.
Tapi tangisanku bukan tangisan manja seorang yang lemah.
Tangisanku tangisan yang meruntun jiwa, tersedu-sedan, yang membunuh jiwa ini setiap kali kerana dengan itu aku dilahirkan semula. Dan tiap-tiap kali... aku dilahirkan semula. Kerana tugasku di dunia ini belum selesai. Dengan lutut yang bergetar menahan beratnya jisim yang cuba untuk bangun. Terhuyung-hayanglah setiap kali bermula untuk bangkit itu, dengan satu tangan ke dada, untuk memastikan hati itu masih ada, dan juga sekurang-kurangnya sebagai cubaan naif untuk melindungi hati itu. Maka, dengan sepenuh kudrat lah untuk bangkit kembali setiap kalinya. Tapi bangkit kembali itu perlu. Dan setiap kali ia perlu. Kerana tugasku di dunia ini belum selesai.

A glass heart. Sometimes when there's light on the inside, you can see right through it. But when it's darker on the inside, you can't figure out what's happening  in there, what the people in there are going through.

A glass heart. It makes the owner fragile, but yet very strong. Why? because every time it breaks, the owner'll have to put the pieces back together, time after time after time. Because you have to have a heart to function. Going through the cuts and blisters of putting the fragments together every time so it can function..does it make the owner strong? You bet it does.

Tapi, berimannya aku kepada Allah membuatkan aku faham bahawa tidak ada apa yang berlaku secara pilihan rambang, atau secara kebetulan, melainkan semuanya adalah mengikut qada dan qadarNya.
Atas pilihanNya, bukan orang yang hatinya keras yang melalui dugaan dan cabaran hati, perasaan dan jiwa ini tetapi aku. Bukan orang yang tidak terkesan dengan masalah-masalah ini tetapi aku. Bukan orang yang mampu bermuka lurus (straight face) tanpa setitis air mata tetapi aku.
Aku dipilih kerana aku lemah. Dan dalam masa yang sama kerana aku kuat.

Maafkan aku bila kamu tidak mampu melihat air mataku, hanya senyumku, tawaku, diamku dan ekspresi kacauku tapi tidak air mataku dan sedu-sedanku, yang muncul hanya apabila engkau berpaling.
Hal ini kerana aku kuat. Dan dalam masa yang sama kerana aku lemah.

Maafkan aku jika engkau kerap melihat air mataku dan sedu sedanku. Hal ini kerana, sahabat sayang, engkau terpilih untuk melihatnya. Kerana dihadapanmu, aku boleh mempamerkan lemahku. Kerana aku mempercayaimu dengannya.

Ah, bicara di malam hari. Ada-ada saja ;)

What different lives

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim

The past summer, I got to do my practicals in the surgical department of a major government hospital in my hometown, Sabah, for 3 weeks and 2 days. (of which I, truthfully, bailed on about 4 of em due to food poisoning and a dysfunctional alarm clock)

It was very interesting, at first, since it was my first time doing my summer practicals in Malaysia. The past years, our summer practicals were local (as in, they were done in Volgograd.. as in, yeah, in the average 39 degrees of baking summer heat.)

Let's save the stories about right mastectomies with axillary clearance and the boring ol' lumps of inguinal hernia to my practicals examiner. During those 3 weeks and 2 days, I saw and met people, and the way they shone light upon themselves, made me wonder...

Scenario 1:
A specialist, who is also one of the main surgeons in the department, does an average of 4 operations on every other day. He's late 30-ish/ early 40-ish and married. Seems like he's always busy. I tagged along with him sometimes. He asks a lot of questions to the H.Os but his laid back personality made them feel at ease with him and made him close to the M.Os. I didn't expect him to crack jokes with 18SX implications, though, which he did. And I was surprised that he had no problem with patting some female H.Os' shoulders and, when I asked for permission to palpate the 3x4 lump of carcinoma in an unconscious patient's right breast ( she was on anest and on the OT table), with pushing me forward by putting his hand on my back. =.="

Scenario 2:
On some floors of the hospital, there are clinics owned by a private medical organization. One day, I went to  their blood test clinic to get, well, my blood tested. It was a self request. I asked for a full blood count, hormone level test, Calcium level test, Glucose level test, and lipid level test.

The results are confidential. >.<

Well, when my name was called, I went into the examining room and was greeted by an older man in his mid/late forties. I told him I had problems with blood-drawing before since it seems like in the past 5 years doctors and nurses alike had problem finding my veins since they, as my paediatrician described it, are small, fine but numerous. So, each blood-drawing session for me involves the syringe needle insertion of more than once (the paed tried 4 times on my left arm, twice on my right, and gave up. He drew the blood from a vein on the back of my hand, which takes like almost forever just to get a tube of blood. But that's an old story)

He reassured me that what I needed was an expert (hoho.), that I needed my tourniquet to be knotted more tightly and that, insyaAllah, it's gonna be okay this time. And he resumed to carry out each step of the procedure with a chain of Basmallahs.

Applying tourniquet on my arm- Bismillah.
Opening a fresh packet of sterile syringe- Bismillah.
Removing the needle cap -Bismillah.
Brushing the injection site with a cotton ball soaked with antiseptic - Bismillah.
Drawing my blood- Bismillah....

It was a touching scene to be watching. I was amazed by this man; by his kindness and by the manner of which he carried out the procedure.

He showed me to the lab so the lab people could tell me when my results would be ready. Apparently, business in the blood drawing department was running a little low because it was Ramadhan, but he said "biasalah tu.."

I remembered the surgeon and thought "What different lives..."

(A few days after that, I saw him hanging out in the reception area, which means business must be kinda dry and slow. I was too shy to greet him. >.<)

Scenario 3:
Early morning at the hospital, I was waiting in front of the lift. I looked out the large glass window at the building in front, which was under construction. There were men, walking around on wooden planks which are actually the basis of the building. An untied shoelace could rip a life away. A sudden dizziness could mean falling down. But they walked like it was their playground. Not really. They walked like it was their work ground, but of course, it was.
They were construction workers. During afternoons, the ones working on the top floor would be working under the heat of the sun.

See the little Bob the Builders walking around on the planks?

I remembered the surgeon and the blood drawing doctor.
And I thought " What different lives.
As the rule goes in the world, work done with a high intellectual output, often requires smaller physical labor but it pays a lot. Like businessmen, for example. They don't carry the boxes of goods but they carry the weight of deciding the future steps of the company (Though in the case of doctors, I'm not so sure this applies. The doctors do make the decisions but being a doctor, it seems, take a lot pf physical energy, and time, too)
Work done with a lower intellectual output, and requiring larger physical labor, pays not so much as compared to the pay for the intellectual work.

But that's all according to the standards of the world.
In Allah's eyes, it's a different story, a whole different standard. His standard.
According to His standard, you could be a surgeon, you could be a blood drawing doctor, you could be a construction site worker, you could be a student staring out a large glass window in front of the lift, waiting to start her practicals, you could even be someone who's reading blogs searching for that "oomph" that knocks on your heart and wake you up from your slumber.
He's looking at you not like the world looks at you. Who you are, what you do, why are you doing it, who you're doing it for..He takes them all into account. Is it for Him? To carry out what He ordered you to do? Does it follow His rules? Are you grateful for what He has planned for you?

So, you may as well be the richest person in the world or the poorest beggar, but according to His standard, it's your TAQWA that counts.

Well, ain't that just sweet...and a fair play."

Remember, He gave that money and everything you own to you. Can He not take it back and give it to the next person who walks through the door?

Yes, He can.

###

Heeee~~

Di manakah kerehatan?

Di manakah kerehatan?
Sentiasa mencari diri
Pencarian yang melawan arus dunia
Hairan, semakin dicari semakin kosong
Permainan apakah ini?
Pencarian yang membingungkan
Jawapan hanya menimbulkan lebih banyak persoalan

Ya, jawapan itu ada
Tapi suaikah jawapan itu untuk aku?

Timbul tenggelam dalam realiti dan pencarian
Antara hilang dan ada bila meneropong ke tempat itu

Hairan, apa yang aku cari?
Hairan, kerana aku tahu apa yang sepatutnya aku cari?

Di manakah kerehatan?
Dari sentiasa meragui diri
Di manakah kerehatan dari berat belenggu kekurangan ini?

Yang menimpa lagikan menimpa
Yang menimpa tak sudah menimpa

Aku kuat! Tak siapakah sedar?
Aku lemah! Tak siapakah sedar?

Bila akan aku buka mata bahawa semua ini adalah plot dan ujian
Suatu kisah yang saripatinya telah ditenun indah
Hanya menanti dipamer kepada yang bermata dan mampu melihat, yang bertelinga dan mampu mendengar, yang berhati dan mampu memikirkan

Kisah yang mampu dinikmati hanya dengan itu
Itu?
Itu, yang mengisi setiap ruang dan pora jasad tanah ini

Hairan, apa ini?
Bagaimana kekacauan mampu mengilhamkan ketenangan

Lari, ingin lari ke mana?
Jawapannya di mana?
Jawapannya di mana-mana.
Hanya menanti untuk dirasa.

Tapi, itulah. Bukan semua dipilih untuk merasa.

Aku? Aku tak tahu. Yang pasti aku masih mencari. Mencari ketenangan itu. Mencari keyakinan itu. Mencari
dakapan untuk tempat pulang dan perisai untuk pembelaan.

Of Players & the Ride to Clinical Microbe

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

(Selalu je start ngan bismillah....pahtu kalau terfikir na wat post sal mende ngarut pon jadi segan dah..ngaaa~~)

This morning, was listening to Jay Park's "Go" in the mashrut on the way to Infection Hospital in Kirovsky. (Today's our first first day of Clinical Microbe cycle)

The song tells about this guy, who's kind of a player ( in korean: nappeun namja). He's telling the girl to go because even though  he really loves her, he can't be satisfied with her alone; telling her that he doesn't really need her anymore, that he actually really do love her but nonetheless he's telling her to go because he's toxic to her life. His heart is also hurt when she cries because of him, and he hates himself for being like that. So, he doesn't want her to appear before him ever again.

The ride to Kirovsky took more than an hour. During that time, I thought a lot about the song. People like that do exist, in fact. He really does love her. But at the same time he's unable to be faithful only to her and can't be satisfied with her alone. He hates himself for that and for making her cry. But he can't help himself. So, he thinks the best way is for the girl to leave him, because being with him will only hurt her more.

I think the guy really must have loved the girl, because otherwise, he wouldn't have bothered to lose a girl for his infidelity. But because he loved her, he wants her to break away from him. He knows that's the only way she can really be happy.

The song attracted me because of the music and, although I think the lyrics are harsh to the girl, surprisingly I also feel that they're raw, truthful and is actually a reality that the girl might have been trying to avoid but now has to face.
I used to think people like the guy, with such mixed emotions are just characters of dramas, or that saying they're sorry but they can't help themselves from being unfaithful are just lame, slap-inducing excuses.
But after watching, ironically, the Japanese drama "Last Friends" (where the charming antagonist Sosuke  beats her girlfriend senseless due to extreme jealousy), I came to accept that people like him really do exist.

From the equation of:

He can't be faithful ---> (it's hurting her) + He really does love her = He leaves the other girls and become faithful to her.

The guy rationalized instead the equation with a different outcome:

He can't be faithful ---> (it's hurting her) + He really does love her = They have to break up. She has to go, never appear in front of him ever again.

Eyh?

Yes, it is a twisted sense of rationalization. But in reality,people opting that rationalization do exist.

From that, I continued to thinking about Wafiq Wasim. He's a character from Hilal Asyraf's novel "Sinergi". Wafiq Wasim is a really charming and handsome guy, who has a beautiful voice, making him a heartthrob. He aims muslimahs bertudung, conquers the girls' hearts and then crushes them by breaking up with the girls and humiliating them, saying they're easy and cheap.

See guys like Sosuke, Wafiq Wasim and the guy portrayed in Jay Park's song "Go" each have their own history, the behind-the-scene story of how they became who they are.

Sosuke who only had his mother, was abandoned as a small child in his own home, one day out of the blue. The neighbors found him a few days later in his home, starving. He was undertaken by the Children's Welfare Department and later was sent to an orphanage. In his adult life, he worked in the Children's Welfare Department and had extraordinary empathy towards kids who were abandoned by their families, maybe because he can see the reflection of his pain from years back, but he developed a violent character towards his girlfriend from extreme jealousy. He killed himself in the end, leaving a note saying that he really truly loved her, that he hated himself for hurting her, that killing himself was the only way she could be safe from him, and that he was sorry that because he was never loved, even though he loved her, he didn't know how to love.

Wafiq Wasim is another case. He became a player because he felt vengeful towards muslimahs bertudung. He had a girlfriend yg bertudung, who left him during his darkest and painful time, because she believed a lie/accusation about him. So, he aims to expose muslimahs bertudung of their weakness, that their hearts can easily be swayed, quote: " bertudung tapi boleh je dia peluk aku bila aku nak tinggalkan dia". But before that, he also has a history. He's also an orphan. He needs to surround himself with girls who adore and admire him, and crave for his attention. Because, with that it transiently fills his empty heart & soul.

However in this case, the ending's is a total different story.
When the girls stopped chasing him, because they realized that muslimahs should be like expensive pearls, that obsessing over a human brings nothing but Allah's wrath, and that what they really want is love that invites heaven, Wafiq Wasim felt hollow, empty and lonely.
During this time, one of the protagonist, Asid (real name: Rasyid Zakwan) (p/s: i'm a fan of Asid!!) made him realized that the only thing that can fill his empty and hollow heart & soul isn't attention nor love from any girl or anyone, but is giving attention & love to Allah, and finding His attention & love.

Wafiq Wasim found himself, he found Allah, and he felt peace and love like he never felt before. He sings not of worldly love anymore, not of girls anymore, but of Allah's love and of Allah's greatness.

Different huh?

What makes Wafiq Wasim's story have a totally different twist from the other two?

IMAN.

Iman makes it different. True love comes with sacrifice. But sacrificing the girl to keep being unfaithful, although accepted it's due to past history's sculpture of the personality,  is just...Bllwweehh~!
TRUE love is being prepared to sacrifice anything and everything for the one you love. That is love. True love is finding peace in that someone you love. True love brings you heaven on earth and invites heaven in afterlife. Now that's love.
And no love is more true & more pure than the love Allah has for us & we for Allah.
Iman coordinates our way to something beautiful and peaceful.
Wafiq Wasim found that. He found it. He found Allah.
If Sosuke & the "Go" guy had found iman first, insyaAllah their endings would have been a whole lot different.

IMAN. You think it's the basic, as simple as ABC. But it makes all the difference.


p/s: Yeah, I know. I admit I do think a lot. My mom says so, my akak naqibah says so too. Oh well.

Worries kill the apple tree

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

I once shared in my happy circle, a status I read from FB. " No amount of guilt can change the past, no amount of worry can change the future. What's important is what we do now."
Saying is easy. What's harder is doing.
I have this habit. I've had it since I can remember. My mom knows about it. It's one of the things that I do that people recognizes.

I worry too much.

I remember taking one of the books from my home's library..yeah, we have our own mini library at home. The book's called How To Stop Worrying and Start Living. I've had it with me since 1st year, if I'm not mistaken. To this day, it remains unread.

i HAVE to start reading this

Just got back from a happy circle, with whom I shared what has been bugging me these few months.
I'm scared. I really am. I'm scared of the future, of what might be.

If all your life you've been seeing a barrel of apples with worms in them, chewing them away, you get scared. You don't know what the owner of that barrel of apple did wrong. He planted them right, he kept the water and sunshine fine, he picked the best barrel. But, there must be something he did wrong, that made the apples rot away into nothingness like that. He didn't know what he did wrong. You saw him gave all his time, his energy and care to that apple tree, but even you can't figure out what went wrong. And, gosh, it did. It went painfully wrong.
        
So, you get scared. You don't dare plant an apple tree, because you're scared you might go wrong too.  Because some things you just don't have control over.You can't bear the thought of being that barrel of apple owner, facing that heartbreak. The stress of knowing the right thing to do is to let go of that fear and move on, but at the same time the fear is chewing at your memories, at your insecurities, chaining your feet to the ground...it kills you.

one little two little three little apples~

What it takes is courage; the courage to accept the fact that things can go wrong and sometimes do go wrong, the courage to acknowledge that and still follow through with what you plan to do.

Hugging that courage tightly to your heart as you face the thunder and rain, just pray to Allah that everything's gonna be fine. Please, please let everything be fine. Pray that everything will be fine. The only other thing to do now is to make sure you've learnt enough gardening skills, grab a handful of apple seeds and find your way to the field. Cos, honey, ...... you've got an apple tree to plant.

Happiness + Apples = Happles....So cute!

An unexpected love

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Sometimes, it gets kind of scary. And quite overwhelming. But think, Clear Minds, think. He is answering your prayers, He is proving to you He is As-Sami'. He is showing to you He is Al-Wadud, He is professing to you His love...

I think people who does da'wah have big hearts, or ought to have big hearts. Enormous ones. Because, in the earlier phase of doing da'wah, they understand that they need to love everyone. Later, they'll find themselves wanting to love everyone. Before they know it, it is just another fact in this world that they do love everyone.

Why is this so important? Because the love they are professing to everyone is not that of the worldly kind, but, one that is more profound and true. The love for someone fillah (for the sake of Allah) is one that makes the one who loves strive to do all he can so that the beloved ones enter jannah with him. ( it's basically saying: " you know what? I love you so much that I wanna go to jannah, and I want you to go to jannah with me.") It is one that binds hearts together as long as the owner of those hearts bear iman in their souls. It is that which urges these strong souls to do da'wah. It is that which  keep their backs straight, their heads up, and their strides consistent in that path of finding Allah's redha, a path never short of mehnah (problems) and tribulations. Their da'wah is actually their profession of love. Towards Allah and towards those beautiful souls that Allah has chosen for them to convey da'wah to.

Alhamdulillah: Praise and gratitude belong to Allah for all that we know of Him and what He does, and for all that  we don't.

Last week, I got so many presents that it kind of overwhelmed me. It wasn't even my birthday!
 

hubb/ukhuwwah fillah is sweeter than this...

Taking a moment to stare at a yellow tissue bearing a note, that I found between the pages of my usrah notebook, a porcelain stick encrypted with "God made us sisters, our hearts made us friends", a box of Belgian chocolate, a postcard from Edinburgh with a note starting with "ditujukan buat kakak yang tercinta" and ending with "(dari) yang merindui", a battered up A4 paper filled with honest words about my strengths, my weaknesses, and sincere advices by those souls who I love and who, insyaAllah, love me too, and an fb group just 2 days old but that which gives me hope and had left me in awe at first.

Subhanallah! This is what fuels me to go on. The sweeter-than-honey-and-sugar-combined-but-totally-safe-even-for-diabetics professions of love by those who I love. <3

even sweeter than this!

But, wow! All that in a span of 2 days! Honestly, it overwhelmed me. To receive so much love that I don't feel quite qualified enough to receive. But Allah has binded these hearts together, and I am not one to let go of love (cewaaahhh..) May Allah keep  these hearts neatly and beautifully bound together not just until jannah, but even in jannah, ameen.

ooohh..i wanna eat this...

Taking this as a big package of gifts from my One and Only, the only One who loves to give me unexpected gifts like such forementioned, He also laced it with advice through my sis and muhasabah.

My heart has to be bigger. If I think it's big enough, I'm most probably wrong. The heart can always be bigger.

Responding to the one that my hadek2 bulatan gembira did, which left me in awe and shone like a light in a tunnel to me, my supply (bekalan) of iman and ilmu have to be more to accommodate their need. My mujahadah has to be more, my taqwa has to be more, my amal has to be more. If I want them to love Allah, I have to really love Allah first. If I want to introduce them to Allah, I have to know Allah first. If I want them to be close to Allah, I have to be close to Allah first.
But of course, all that with my One and Only as my ghayah (single most important and till-the-end aim). You don't give a map to someone to show the way but be yourself lost. Take lesson from what happened with Shaytan, who prayed that everybody remained in jannah, but forget to include himslef in his prayer, resulting in his banishment from heaven.
All of that love is of no use if it doesn't move someone closer to Allah, don't you agree?

Cerita tentang batu bertukar jadi bintang...pernah dengar?    

pic credit to muharikah.com =]

Suatu ketika dahulu, ada sebiji batu. Batu dengan karakter2 batu. Sejuk. Dia hanya duduk di situ. Lena.
Pada suatu hari, sekotak mancis menyapanya, mengetuk pintu hati, mengingatkan si batu yang dia berasal dari angkasa, yang batu2 sekalian di bumi ini juga asalnya dari angkasa.
Maka, dengan anak mancis dari kotak mancis itu, serta kehadiran friction dan oksigen, si batu tadi bertukar marak dan dilontar ke angkasa untuk menjadi bintang. Bintang yang mengindahkan langit malam, bintang yang menjadi panduan para musafir. Si batu yang menjadi bintang itu pun rasa bahagia kerana telah menemui dan memahami makna kewujudannya.

Lebih membahagiakan apabila si bintang tadi mendapat tahu bahwa ramai lagi bintang-bintang di angkasa bersamanya. Dia dan bintang-bintanglain itu pun membuat rangkaian bahagia bersama dan membentuk Buruj.
Bukan senang menjadi bintang. Kelipannya tak pernah henti agar musafir tak menggigit jari, mencari arah tak dikenalpasti; agar langit malam yang keindahannya dikagumi, mengingatkan makhluk akan keagungan Illahi; x henti membakar diri, kerana dambakan surga abadi. Walau sekali sekala, awan mendung dan rintik hujan mendatang, tak usah risau, semua itu digagahi. Kilauan bintang pasti muncul kembali.

Tiba-tiba, suatu hari, dari kebiruan mana, kotak mancis berkata yang dia akan meninggalkan si bintang. Si bintang merasa sedih dan menangis. Si bintang ingat si kotak mancis akan sentiasa bersamanya. Si bintang ingat dia istimewa kepada si kotak mancis. Tapi, ingat bintang sayang, ingat! Begitu banyak lagi anak mancis dalam kotak mancis itu! Begitu banyak lagi batu yang sejuk di bumi, yang tidur tanpa mengetahui...bahawa mereka asalnya bintang, bahwa mereka juga mempunyai makna kewujudan yang sama, yang belum merasai hangatnya rangkaian bahagia bersama, betapa indahnya kerinduan kepada Sang Pencipta!

"Am I going to lose my match box? You're not my match box anymore. You gave me away."

Nangislah Bintang, nangislah sepuas mahu. Tapi itu suatu hakikat yang benar, yang tak mungkin kau ubah.
Jangan goyah bintang. Jangan goyah. Adakah kau lupa?
Kasih sayang Illahi itu lebih luas. Kasih sayang-Nya lebih luas dari langit, bumi dan seisinya. Apa yang kau resahkan?
Dia yang mengizinkan pintu hatimu diketuk. Apa yang kau resahkan?
Dia yang mengizinkan kau marak. Apa yang kau resahkan?
Dia yang menjadikan kau bintang di angkasa. Apa yang kau resahkan?
Dia yang merangkai hatimu dengan bintang-bintang yang lain. Apa yang kau resahkan?
HE made you what and where you are right now. MAKA APA SEBENARNYA YANG KAU RESAHKAN HAA, BINTANG??


Rintih An-Najm ( Si Bintang ).

Ayat2 chenta of the day: Surah Fushshilat (41): 30-33

Sesungguhnya orang2 yg berkata, "Tuhan kami adalah Allah" kemudian mereka meneguhkan pendirian mereka, maka malaikat2 akan turun kepada mereka (dengan berkata), "Janganlah kamu merasa takut dan janganlah kamu bersedih hati; dan bergembiralah kamu dengan (memperoleh) surga yang telah dijanjikan kepadamu."

Kami-lah pelindung-pelindungmu dalam kehidupan dunia dan akhirat; didalamnya (surga) kamu memperoleh apa yang kamu inginkan dan memperoleh apa yang kamu minta.

Sebagai penghormatan (bagimu) dari (Allah) Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.

Dan siapakah yang lebih baik perkataannya daripada orang yang menyeru kepada Allah dan mengerjakan kebajikan dan berkata, " Sungguh, aku termasuk orang-orang Muslim(yang berserah diri)?"

Sumpah kool!!

Menghadapi exam seperti seorang manusia

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Menghadapi exam seperti seorang manusia? Why the "whadda..?" title? Habis, takkan menghadapi exam seperti seekor arnab putih kemerah-merahan kut?

Fuhh, taking a break from reading topan (read: topographical anatomy) and on my way to reading ENT (read: Ears, Nose, Throat), I stop to aknowledge and embrace what I'm feeling right now. Yup, it's that feeling again. Unloved. As I've written in my much earlier post, I've already found the solution to this - so now I work and live to be loved by Allah. Hmmm...curious..why the sudden pang of that uninvited but abrupt manifestation of emotion??

The key to the answer: Jom MUHASABAH DIRI.

Muhasabah, muhasabah...jom muhasabah...

Hmmm...tertarik dengan soalan an akh posted in a group shared by muslims in my locality: " apa maksud study kerana Allah?"
Lebih tertarik dengan jawapan by a  friend of mine, which wasn't actually answering the question, but still...he said that ramai yg pada awal2nya niat suci study kerana Allah but the closer one gets to exam, niat tu tertukar ke niat study utk lulus, pengharapan pon sungguh spya lulus...

Maybe dengan head-on menghadapai cabaran menghabiskan notes utk beratus-ratus soalan membuatkan kita terlupa the reason why we're studying in the first place. Sounds familiar? It does to me. It's a reality to thousands of students out there. Alhamdulillah, the people around me circulates reminders that wake people up. What we can do? Wake up and repent. Catch yourself before you fall any further. Always refresh your niat again and again.

So, study fillah? insyaAllah! mari mencari makna dalam kehidupan kita yang biasa dan jadikan ia luarbiasa =)

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah [emahaman kami, kuatkanlah ingatan kami, lancarkanlah lisan, jadikanlah kami muslimah doktor yang berjaya di dunia dan akhirat..ameen.

Dengan lafaz bismillah, aku memulakan pembacaan notes ENT...107 soalan...YOSH~!!