To infinity and beyond

Today is my second last day of leave. The day after tomorrow, I'll finally be starting my final posting of housemanship.

Am I relieved? I guess so. Mostly because, at least, now, there's a progress in my life.

Am I happy? No.

Honestly, I haven't known happiness for a long time now. 

Didn't realise the numbing feeling was so significant until earlier last week.

And suddenly, I was so overwhelmed with a hatred of existing that my heart swelled with the pain.

I do not hate my existence. I love who I am, the I who is 

the person my parents brought up,

the sister who set up the bar for her younger siblings

that one introvert friend

Nor did I wished for death.

Life is God-given. He decides and orchestrates the time, venue, mechanism

I just couldn't bear...."existing"

The reality in which I exist in, I cannot change.

In sleep I find solace.

For, in sleep, there is no consciousness of existence.

Life feels so long,

yet so empty.

What am I looking for?

I have yet found the answer.

But a spark found me.

A simple occasion.

I went to a market yesterday. 

Variety of food I like.

Comics.

Fruits.

After a long time, I felt a spark of joy.

It reminded me of going to the market with my mom while I was growing up, all in the excitement for the food and comics of course, none for the knowledge of types of fish and whatnot.

It made me realise I can find joy in these occasions which occur as a daily or weekly norm to other people; which used to occur as a weekly norm for me too.

Alas, my reality has set its own tempo.

And that joy is temporary.