I wrote this during my flight from Kuching to KK, heading home to rest for a few days before starting work anew.
🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊
Friend,
I'm writing this because these are the words I couldn't say to you.
I appreciate that you can open up to me, and try to make me understand your pain and how painful the world is being to you. I know that hesitation to share and open up to people, because not everyone can empathize, not everyone can understand, not everyone can accept it other than a mere weakness and vulnerability exposed.
I get that, because I'm an independent woman. And being the independent woman that I am, I show no weakness nor vulnerability. To be more accurate, I don't think anyone can understand and empathize with my weakness, my inner conflict.
The fact that you chose to open up to me, I truly appreciate it.
Friend,
There were a lot of things I thought of saying to you these past 2 days but couldn't bring myself to.
Friend,
When you spoke to me about the loneliness, emptiness, numbness you felt inside, it reminded me of myself from once upon a time ago.
It reminded me of a desperate me;
The "me" inside who was empty and cold
That "me" kept looking for something to fill the void
I kept looking for things to excite me. Something that could spark a flicker of life inside me.
But friend,
What gave me life at that time was God, Him the Almighty. He took my hand and guided me when I was lost. He shone light on my path - what felt like light at the end of the tunnel after an eternity of darkness.
My heart was beating since I was in my mother's womb, but that was the first time I felt alive. I felt like living a life doing something I believe worth dying for.
Benarlah hidayah itu milik Allah. He gives it to whomever He wants, and takes it away from whoever he wants.
Now, most of the time, I just work; I do not think nor do I feel.
I am a loner. I am also a deep-thinker with a sensitive personality. If I allow myself to think and feel so freely as much as my heart and mind will, and not have anyone to share that burden, it would kill me. So I just don't.
Once in a while, it creeps up. That feeling of being dead inside. Not that being dead is a specific feeling by itself. Dead people don't notice that they're dead...or do they?
Anyways, that feeling of emptiness, cold loneliness, numbness...I look around me and I see happy people, people living for something or for someone (as it appears superficially, who knows, maybe they're dead inside as well), going somewhere in life, and I'm just here - not fully sure what I'm living for, why I'm living the way I am.
Once in a while, some bits of life and human left inside me shout, scratch and rebel, and I would be able to cry my heart out, die in doing so and then try to live again.
Other times, I felt as if I have lost the capacity and strength to bring myself to tears. So I end up staring into space, at nothing, at no one, being engulfed by a paralyzing fear that everything in my life will sum up to nothing.
It's not that I didn't try. I tried finding my way back. I tried doing things that once brought me there.
Tapi benar hidayah itu milik Allah. Kemanisan beribadah itu kurniaan Allah. Perasaan itu milik Allah.
Sama seperti apabila kita makan, "kenyang" itu kurniaan Allah.
Sama seperti apabila kita tidur, "rehat" itu hakikatnya hadiah dari Allah.
Sama seperti apabila kita makan ubat, "kesihatan" itu Allah yang bagi.
I am still trying.
But it's a wonder by itself that I'm writing once again, no?
You were spot on when you guessed that I was a naqibah.
I feel like I can tell you this because..
The feeling of realizing your purpose to live, and living with an aim of martyrdom, and longing for that sweet feeling of what we felt at that time to be rekindled...
After I heard your story, I feel like you can understand mine?
When I was a naqibah, I was told that I had a gift of speech. Aku dapat menyentuh manusia. On and off I would write too.
But what I spoke and wrote came from a soul which was living with a longing to die in the name of God -
"Teringat ku teringat,
pada janjiMu ku terikat,
Hanya sekejap ku berdiri,
ku lakukan sepenuh hati
Peduli ku peduli,
siang dan malam yang berganti,
pedihku ini tak ada erti
Jika Kau lah sandaran hati
Kau lah sandaran hati" -
Pain in life was inevitable, but I longed to
to finally be rested in His gardens, a soul which at that time, had sight on where its going.
I don't know when exactly it happened, but my soul became like the dry dessert under the hot scorching sun, with an excruciating thirst for the sweet taste of raindrops..and it lost its sights...and once again I find myself in the darkness.
Since then, I couln't speak nor write.
But having spent some time with you, it felt like a crack appeared on the hardened shell enclosing my heart, allowing a glimpse of my soul to peep through...
And here you go! I'm writing again.
And for that I am grateful to you, friend.
Friend,
This is not the end of our journey yet.
Every breath and heartbeatis Allah's way of saying "Keep going. Don't give up"
Apa-apa pun usaha kita sekarang untuk kembali, sebesar mana sekecil mana, He is still allowing it.
God Almighty will not leave us. He never leaves us. That, at least, I believe is something we can hold on to.
🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊🙈🙉🙊
Friend,
I'm writing this because these are the words I couldn't say to you.
I appreciate that you can open up to me, and try to make me understand your pain and how painful the world is being to you. I know that hesitation to share and open up to people, because not everyone can empathize, not everyone can understand, not everyone can accept it other than a mere weakness and vulnerability exposed.
I get that, because I'm an independent woman. And being the independent woman that I am, I show no weakness nor vulnerability. To be more accurate, I don't think anyone can understand and empathize with my weakness, my inner conflict.
The fact that you chose to open up to me, I truly appreciate it.
Friend,
There were a lot of things I thought of saying to you these past 2 days but couldn't bring myself to.
Friend,
When you spoke to me about the loneliness, emptiness, numbness you felt inside, it reminded me of myself from once upon a time ago.
It reminded me of a desperate me;
The "me" inside who was empty and cold
That "me" kept looking for something to fill the void
I kept looking for things to excite me. Something that could spark a flicker of life inside me.
But friend,
What gave me life at that time was God, Him the Almighty. He took my hand and guided me when I was lost. He shone light on my path - what felt like light at the end of the tunnel after an eternity of darkness.
My heart was beating since I was in my mother's womb, but that was the first time I felt alive. I felt like living a life doing something I believe worth dying for.
Benarlah hidayah itu milik Allah. He gives it to whomever He wants, and takes it away from whoever he wants.
Now, most of the time, I just work; I do not think nor do I feel.
I am a loner. I am also a deep-thinker with a sensitive personality. If I allow myself to think and feel so freely as much as my heart and mind will, and not have anyone to share that burden, it would kill me. So I just don't.
Once in a while, it creeps up. That feeling of being dead inside. Not that being dead is a specific feeling by itself. Dead people don't notice that they're dead...or do they?
Anyways, that feeling of emptiness, cold loneliness, numbness...I look around me and I see happy people, people living for something or for someone (as it appears superficially, who knows, maybe they're dead inside as well), going somewhere in life, and I'm just here - not fully sure what I'm living for, why I'm living the way I am.
Once in a while, some bits of life and human left inside me shout, scratch and rebel, and I would be able to cry my heart out, die in doing so and then try to live again.
Other times, I felt as if I have lost the capacity and strength to bring myself to tears. So I end up staring into space, at nothing, at no one, being engulfed by a paralyzing fear that everything in my life will sum up to nothing.
It's not that I didn't try. I tried finding my way back. I tried doing things that once brought me there.
Tapi benar hidayah itu milik Allah. Kemanisan beribadah itu kurniaan Allah. Perasaan itu milik Allah.
Sama seperti apabila kita makan, "kenyang" itu kurniaan Allah.
Sama seperti apabila kita tidur, "rehat" itu hakikatnya hadiah dari Allah.
Sama seperti apabila kita makan ubat, "kesihatan" itu Allah yang bagi.
I am still trying.
But it's a wonder by itself that I'm writing once again, no?
You were spot on when you guessed that I was a naqibah.
I feel like I can tell you this because..
The feeling of realizing your purpose to live, and living with an aim of martyrdom, and longing for that sweet feeling of what we felt at that time to be rekindled...
After I heard your story, I feel like you can understand mine?
When I was a naqibah, I was told that I had a gift of speech. Aku dapat menyentuh manusia. On and off I would write too.
But what I spoke and wrote came from a soul which was living with a longing to die in the name of God -
"Teringat ku teringat,
pada janjiMu ku terikat,
Hanya sekejap ku berdiri,
ku lakukan sepenuh hati
Peduli ku peduli,
siang dan malam yang berganti,
pedihku ini tak ada erti
Jika Kau lah sandaran hati
Kau lah sandaran hati" -
Pain in life was inevitable, but I longed to
to finally be rested in His gardens, a soul which at that time, had sight on where its going.
I don't know when exactly it happened, but my soul became like the dry dessert under the hot scorching sun, with an excruciating thirst for the sweet taste of raindrops..and it lost its sights...and once again I find myself in the darkness.
Since then, I couln't speak nor write.
But having spent some time with you, it felt like a crack appeared on the hardened shell enclosing my heart, allowing a glimpse of my soul to peep through...
And here you go! I'm writing again.
And for that I am grateful to you, friend.
Friend,
This is not the end of our journey yet.
Every breath and heartbeatis Allah's way of saying "Keep going. Don't give up"
Apa-apa pun usaha kita sekarang untuk kembali, sebesar mana sekecil mana, He is still allowing it.
God Almighty will not leave us. He never leaves us. That, at least, I believe is something we can hold on to.
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