Sacrifice

Pengorbanan. Sacrifice.

How I define it?

Mengetepikan kepentingan keperluan, kemahuan, masa istirehat, perbelanjaan, perasaan senang dan selamat untuk diri sendiri dan meletakkannya di tempat kedua demi memprioritikan sesuatu yang lebih penting, lebih kita cintai, lebih besar dan berpanjangan effek dan hasilnya.

What sacrifices have I done?

To be honest, I don't know. If I have to say one, it'd be: "HATI/perasaan"

Thinking back, I really don't feel like I've really sacrificed anything, or much. Giving up something is deemed a sacrifice if it HURT you, if it took the whole of your effort to make leaving/offering it possible because of something you see more worthy for existence in the world.

If you give away only things that come easy to you, I'm not sure if it counts as a sacrifice. I surely wouldn't feel the pleasure of sacrificing in any case.

Considering it's been just some short while since I started in this path, I've spent quite some lot of money for it, but I was blessed with money. I'm not rich, and so isn't my family. We are -how my mom puts it- "capable".  I loved the prospect of being able to spend money for this path, and I lavished in the opportunity when I can. But it didn't came hard for me.

I spent my weekends, going everywhere, doing everything, seeing everyone. Well, there were times when I wished I could sleep in on Sunday mornings, but, because I loved listening to talks, and sharing, and lectures; anything that feels so..fulfilling, rejuvenating, making me feel like life MEANS something, that I have to strive FOR someone (I'm a sucker for this. I can't do anything for myself. I'd easily give up. I don't really care about being something, or doing something because I easily settle for anything, unless if we're talking about food. Doing something for someone makes it impossible, because then, someone might become disappointed), it didn't come really hard for me. (Only the Sunday mornings were a bit tough..and coffee-infused late nights)

No objections from my family either. It was planned just so, that He turned my heart over just some years after He did my parents'. As a consequence, this path of mine, my parents receive with open hearts and open arms, albeit it took me a few years to confess ANYTHING to my parents for feeling of unworthiness. You see... my parents saw and knew who I was ;)

Spending time and money for this path...rather than a sacrifice, it's just something that I have to do, something that I was SUPPOSED to do. Waking early and sleeping late, having work and meetings...are things that HE gave me to teach me, so I can learn. 

I'm a medical student, so studying isn't supposed to be a sacrifice for me. That's just what I'm supposed to do. If I don't study medicine, and I study engineering instead, then how am I a medical student?
Isn't being unattached to worldly things  is the standard we want to achieve, the norm, in the first place, of being someone who surrenders himself to Allah? 

If I am supposed to eat to keep myself alive, then the energy used when I'm walking to the kitchen, and making myself some waffles wouldn't be considered a sacrifice, would it?

If I am supposed to be the slave/the soldier of Allah, someone who's in love with Him, then how is obeying Him, fighting for Him, professing love to Him becomes a sacrifice?
I'm doing this to go to Jannah, the rewards are upon me by giving up things that aren't mine in the first place, doing things that I should offer by will in the first place as my duty, then how is any of this a sacrifice?

The only thing I can say that might have been, and I strongly suspect it was, a sacrifice for me was my feelings.

Pheewwhh! I don't know how to even begin to describe the up and downs of what I've felt. My heart was blown up with himmah, and ukhuwwah, and hubb,  and torn apart by accusing eyes, distasteful expressions, and knife-like tongues. I feel rejuvenated, alive, a part of something, and someone makes me feel like I'm a loner who isolates himself in this world. People I cared about kept hurting me, it confused me but I wanted to forgive. It confused me again, when they kept hurting me again and again. I felt conflict about the things and people I'm attracted to, and the sins that they're seducing me into. 

I fell in love and climbed out of it. I became like a family to a few, but like a foe to some others.

I remember one time, there were people hanging out at my place, and people waiting for me at another. But I lied on my bed in my room, holding my knees to my chest, crying. At that time, the burden was too heavy for me, the pain, the conflict, the anxiety- everything bottled up, so I poured them out in tears. Everything was too much at that one moment, that I didn't want anyone, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to feel the presence or existence of anyone. I was alone. My narrow shoulders had to heave it alone, my small heart had to bear it alone. But, at that one moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to fall down into the deepest darkest crack in my heart, alone. I asked Him "Where are You?"

He answered me.

And now, life's a bit easier than before, if I weren't to say much.

It's scary to think about it, now. 

Di mana ruang untuk aku berkorban? Kalau disua ruang untuk aku berkorban, untuk BENAR-BENAR  berkorban, mampukah aku? Masih mahukah aku? Tertapiskah aku? 

Takut membayangkan ujian yang Allah akan bagi.

Adakah sekarang ini ujian? atau rahmat?

Shorty

It's been a long time since I've written

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Do you know me well enough to speak on my behalf?

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Scared of what might be, pray. Allah holds our future.

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Regret on what have been, pray. Allah painted our past.

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The first among equals, one who will be asked what he has done to lead the others.

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Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to say "Other than my parents, they're the people who I know wants so badly for me to go to heaven"

A puddle A swirl-pool.

In life, there will be times when falling down actually makes you look up and see what's really in front of you.
Mistakes are proof that you're trying.
There'll be times when a surge of new emotions blurs your thoughts, and you'll experience first-hand life as it really is, not as how you read about it.

Deliberately dipping your feet in quicksand is a fault. Suddenly finding yourself in a puddle when the sky's darkened grey and it's raining isn't. I love the rain. The fresh feeling. The slight chill. The blues of it. There's a certain beauty to be recognized and appreciated in stepping in a puddle in the brick-paved streets when it's pouring. Some curse the gloomy weather, the cold humid air, and run away from the rain, finding shelter, but you acknowledge it, embrace it, appreciate its beauty. Nevertheless, understand that you need to step out of the puddle.

Because in life, certain things attract you with their beauty, and and at times you find yourself sucked into the swirl of excitement it causes. There's a beauty in everything created. Important thing is: don't get too attached to them. Learn to differentiate which is good for you, and which may harm you. Observe, experience, analyze, learn, decide.

Now, as I'm kind of caught up in swirl,as when being swept in a swirl pool, I look around for the the beauty that attracted me into it as my surroundings turn blurred and unfocused. I try to remember how was it that I ended up in this. I wait only for time to pass till my foot, which has gracefully slanted towards the ground,  touches it. This magic of swirl-pool, I have enjoyed.
For a swirl-pool is a God-given natural phenomenon. There's a certain beauty to it. But be warned that letting yourself be kept in it..will probably get you drowned.

Average people learn from mistakes. Intelligent people learn from others'.

Dirty little secret

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
Who has to know?

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way to survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that need to know

The way she feels inside
Those thoughts I can't deny
These sleeping dogs won't lie
And now I try to lie
It's eating me apart
Trace this life back

I grew up listening to a lot of rock songs. Be it alternative rock, pop rock, alternative pop rock, a few selected hard metal, some blues rock, techno-rock, post-modern pop rock and so on. I feed off indies too. I listen to other genres, as well, but these songs are usually the ones that stick. I feel them. *cough* Eheh.

On that note, it's not unusual to admit that listening to this type of music is not something that I can break off easily.
Because of the effortless access to music everywhere and any time during high school due to a development in electronics technology called the the "mp3", and maybe, out of old adolescent habits, I sometimes find rock band members cool and intriguing. Best example would be Tyson Ritter in AMR's Dirty Little Secret MV. Cool song, dark hair, blue eyes. A more fresher example, Mark Foster of Foster The People. Cool song, dark hair, blue eyes. Also, what intrigues me is the fact that rock stars have this slightly rough edge, but at the same time, they're deeply expressive in their music.
I used to read a lot of comics, too. So, I used to think guys with ear piercings were cool. Not common piercings low on the earlobes, though, but higher, on the cartilage arc. Like the ones Sammi Cheng has.
Umm..yeah, please note the past tense. I do not wish it on my brothers nor on anyone I know.

But, yeah, I know the kind of life they're living. Rock stars on the road, the booze, fame, women. At first look, it'd seem so cool to be famous and all. But when you really try to find the soul of it all, it's not there. The famous "living your dream" lifestyle isn't always it when it doesn't fill up the hollow emptiness that you feel in that very very deep place in your heart. So, sometimes, in the craziness of it all, the ones with live hearts find themselves stopping, in a thoughtful trance state, just taking a minute to breathe, and think what is it actually that they're doing, and is it really worth it, because it didn't get rid of that persistent, almost masked, unsettling feeling of void. They can party it off, sleep it off, sing it off, but it's always there.

And, it's always gonna be there..... till you find the soul of it all. The purpose of your existence. And the way to fulfill it.

A hibernating polar bear or a 22-soon-to-be-23 year old me?

Assalamualaikum,

It's the 3rd day of our 10-day winter holidays, and I've outdone the dreamed winter laziness. I've slept like a moth would in a cocoon, eaten like a mammoth would in a buffet, moven around like a sloth would in a three by three meter wide cage. *Serious thinking face* I think I'd make a great hibernating short-sighted polar bear!

Tee-hee~

Aaaahh..yes, yes, of course, I'm exaggerating. But there's another week of 24 hours that I have to go through before second semester starts (boy, am I gonna regret this sentence when it does) and the near future looks like the same ol warm and lazy inside a blanket.

So, I decided to list down a few goals for the next 7 days.
Before anything, tomorrow morning, insyaAllah, I'm heading out to fill my motivation with sushi and a round of shopping. Eheh.
Aaaaafter that, we'll get down to business.

Here it goes. My goals for the next 7 days:

1. Read a tarbiyah book. I've chosen "ANDAI SYURGA & NERAKA TIDAK ADA" by Muhammad hasan Basri.

2. Memorize the 30th juzu' of the Quran. Memorized some. Need to revise another few. The rest, yet to be dissected.

*starting to sweat*

3. Listen to lectures of at least 3 tafseers. Hmmm..I'm really thinking as I go here. IIIIII (sounds "aaaaaaaaai") think I'll go with Ghasiyyah, Muthaffifin, and Bayyinah.

4. Call Mom and Dad! (Funny that it's not the first)

5. Complete "Therapy" lecture notes! (Have notes of all 1st sem lectures, but most of the are incomplete.)

*sweating profusely. need to rehydrate.* a gulp of cold tea*

Okay! So, we got our goals set. Now, 7 sets of 24 hours don't look that long, huh?

Aaaaahh.. us youngsters. What we need are true goals, something to strive for, lest our youth, strength and strong will spirit will be wasted, and we will wander around lost.

Air yang bertakung tidak mengalir akan dirosakkan oleh statiknya ia, pemuda yang banyak masa lapang (tidak dinamik) akan dibunuh oleh masa lapangnya itu. (Pepatah Arab)

The devil tempts all men, but the idle men tempts the devil.

dan AIR itulah sebenarnya kehidupan

Hairan, bila dada rasa terhimpit membayangkan pahit yang mungkin mengalir dari antara dua itu.
Dari kewangian imankah terhasilnya ia?
Dari kebesaran cintakah timbulnya kata?
Apa yang dicari? Ke mana mahu berlari?
Seruan menyusun tentera? atau mungkin sekadar muzika yang mengisi udara?

Lihatlah, rasalah, minumlah air itu, untuk menghilangkan dahaga, untuk meneruskan nyawa..

Aku mengajak kamu, ya kamu yang nilainya tinggi di sisiku!
Lihatlah, rasalah, minumlah air itu!
Kerana dunia ini tenat, dan kita ini bergesa
Masa tidak akan menunggu kita!
Yang durjana akan memperdaya,
Jika tidak mengumpul dosa,
Biarlah tidak menyubur pahala.
Maka terduduk masihkah memilih piala
untuk menyuap air ke dalam rongga?
Tidak yang itu kerana lain coraknya,
mesti yang ini kerana coraknya rasanya pertama?

Bumi ini luas, tidak terlangkah ke merata,
Di sini mungkin pantun, gurindam, di sana mungkin seloka!
Menghargai indahnya corak, lakaran pelbagai dari gambar yang sama,
selagi tidak pincang, merujuk kambing, melukis sawa,
kerana masing-masing juga jiwa, harta dan raga, semua untuk redhaNya,
Sehingga Raja memilih si pembuat piala pilihannya,
sehingga Tuan meninggikan mana satu yang dicinta
waktu bila kita hanya melakar corak yang sama, terang dan nyata bawah pimpinannya,
sehingga itu kita mencuba, taat dan amanah,
sepanjang itu dan kemudiannya, kita tidak alpa, kita tidak leka,
menyediakan jawapan ketika Dia bertanya,
"Sudah minum airkah dia? untuk menghilangkan dahaga dan meneruskan nyawa?
Apa alasanmu wahai si fulan? Kerana tersasar gaduhkan piala?"