Sacrifice

Pengorbanan. Sacrifice.

How I define it?

Mengetepikan kepentingan keperluan, kemahuan, masa istirehat, perbelanjaan, perasaan senang dan selamat untuk diri sendiri dan meletakkannya di tempat kedua demi memprioritikan sesuatu yang lebih penting, lebih kita cintai, lebih besar dan berpanjangan effek dan hasilnya.

What sacrifices have I done?

To be honest, I don't know. If I have to say one, it'd be: "HATI/perasaan"

Thinking back, I really don't feel like I've really sacrificed anything, or much. Giving up something is deemed a sacrifice if it HURT you, if it took the whole of your effort to make leaving/offering it possible because of something you see more worthy for existence in the world.

If you give away only things that come easy to you, I'm not sure if it counts as a sacrifice. I surely wouldn't feel the pleasure of sacrificing in any case.

Considering it's been just some short while since I started in this path, I've spent quite some lot of money for it, but I was blessed with money. I'm not rich, and so isn't my family. We are -how my mom puts it- "capable".  I loved the prospect of being able to spend money for this path, and I lavished in the opportunity when I can. But it didn't came hard for me.

I spent my weekends, going everywhere, doing everything, seeing everyone. Well, there were times when I wished I could sleep in on Sunday mornings, but, because I loved listening to talks, and sharing, and lectures; anything that feels so..fulfilling, rejuvenating, making me feel like life MEANS something, that I have to strive FOR someone (I'm a sucker for this. I can't do anything for myself. I'd easily give up. I don't really care about being something, or doing something because I easily settle for anything, unless if we're talking about food. Doing something for someone makes it impossible, because then, someone might become disappointed), it didn't come really hard for me. (Only the Sunday mornings were a bit tough..and coffee-infused late nights)

No objections from my family either. It was planned just so, that He turned my heart over just some years after He did my parents'. As a consequence, this path of mine, my parents receive with open hearts and open arms, albeit it took me a few years to confess ANYTHING to my parents for feeling of unworthiness. You see... my parents saw and knew who I was ;)

Spending time and money for this path...rather than a sacrifice, it's just something that I have to do, something that I was SUPPOSED to do. Waking early and sleeping late, having work and meetings...are things that HE gave me to teach me, so I can learn. 

I'm a medical student, so studying isn't supposed to be a sacrifice for me. That's just what I'm supposed to do. If I don't study medicine, and I study engineering instead, then how am I a medical student?
Isn't being unattached to worldly things  is the standard we want to achieve, the norm, in the first place, of being someone who surrenders himself to Allah? 

If I am supposed to eat to keep myself alive, then the energy used when I'm walking to the kitchen, and making myself some waffles wouldn't be considered a sacrifice, would it?

If I am supposed to be the slave/the soldier of Allah, someone who's in love with Him, then how is obeying Him, fighting for Him, professing love to Him becomes a sacrifice?
I'm doing this to go to Jannah, the rewards are upon me by giving up things that aren't mine in the first place, doing things that I should offer by will in the first place as my duty, then how is any of this a sacrifice?

The only thing I can say that might have been, and I strongly suspect it was, a sacrifice for me was my feelings.

Pheewwhh! I don't know how to even begin to describe the up and downs of what I've felt. My heart was blown up with himmah, and ukhuwwah, and hubb,  and torn apart by accusing eyes, distasteful expressions, and knife-like tongues. I feel rejuvenated, alive, a part of something, and someone makes me feel like I'm a loner who isolates himself in this world. People I cared about kept hurting me, it confused me but I wanted to forgive. It confused me again, when they kept hurting me again and again. I felt conflict about the things and people I'm attracted to, and the sins that they're seducing me into. 

I fell in love and climbed out of it. I became like a family to a few, but like a foe to some others.

I remember one time, there were people hanging out at my place, and people waiting for me at another. But I lied on my bed in my room, holding my knees to my chest, crying. At that time, the burden was too heavy for me, the pain, the conflict, the anxiety- everything bottled up, so I poured them out in tears. Everything was too much at that one moment, that I didn't want anyone, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to feel the presence or existence of anyone. I was alone. My narrow shoulders had to heave it alone, my small heart had to bear it alone. But, at that one moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to fall down into the deepest darkest crack in my heart, alone. I asked Him "Where are You?"

He answered me.

And now, life's a bit easier than before, if I weren't to say much.

It's scary to think about it, now. 

Di mana ruang untuk aku berkorban? Kalau disua ruang untuk aku berkorban, untuk BENAR-BENAR  berkorban, mampukah aku? Masih mahukah aku? Tertapiskah aku? 

Takut membayangkan ujian yang Allah akan bagi.

Adakah sekarang ini ujian? atau rahmat?