Today is my second last day of leave. The day after tomorrow, I'll finally be starting my final posting of housemanship.
Am I relieved? I guess so. Mostly because, at least, now, there's a progress in my life.
Am I happy? No.
Honestly, I haven't known happiness for a long time now.
Didn't realise the numbing feeling was so significant until earlier last week.
And suddenly, I was so overwhelmed with a hatred of existing that my heart swelled with the pain.
I do not hate my existence. I love who I am, the I who is
the person my parents brought up,
the sister who set up the bar for her younger siblings
that one introvert friend
Nor did I wished for death.
Life is God-given. He decides and orchestrates the time, venue, mechanism
I just couldn't bear...."existing"
The reality in which I exist in, I cannot change.
In sleep I find solace.
For, in sleep, there is no consciousness of existence.
Life feels so long,
yet so empty.
What am I looking for?
I have yet found the answer.
But a spark found me.
A simple occasion.
I went to a market yesterday.
Variety of food I like.
Comics.
Fruits.
After a long time, I felt a spark of joy.
It reminded me of going to the market with my mom while I was growing up, all in the excitement for the food and comics of course, none for the knowledge of types of fish and whatnot.
It made me realise I can find joy in these occasions which occur as a daily or weekly norm to other people; which used to occur as a weekly norm for me too.
Alas, my reality has set its own tempo.
And that joy is temporary.
