I'm listening to Coldplay's Paradise cover by Tanner Patrick.

A song reminiscing the feeling of being a little girl, it brings me way back, when I used to seek my father's protection from anything scary, hairy, or simply if it gives an dark evil aura, when I used to cook for my parents and seeing them smile eating my half-cooked dish made me content, when my brother and I used to camp inside the house, when I used to kiss my baby brothers and baby sister cheeks, clean their diapers, watch over them and wondering if they would remember all that and respect and appreciate what I did when they grew up...doesn't sound so little anymore, right?

Reminiscent of the past I left very far behind, the song searches me, of who I am now, of what I am scared of now, of whom I seek protection from now, of what makes me contented now, of the innocence and naivety that I keep in me, which I refuse to let go and the reality of life's harshness pulling it away.

I remember being little, but I scarcely remember being young. I have always been mature, calling the shots, keeping everyone happy, taking responsibilty over things and mending everyone's hearts since I can remember.

Now, I continue to work. As tiring as it is, as draining as it is, it's different. Working now is different. Living is different. I work for a purpose. I live for a purpose.
To feel loved.
Yeah, I guess that's what it is.
To feel loved.

Of all the people around me, everyone's either grateful that I'm mature in thinking and taking decisions, that they can trust me with responsibilities, thankful that I am there to mend people's hearts, thankful that I listen  when they pour their pain and hurt out, that I am there when no one was there for them,branding me with expectations that they know I feel obliged to fulfill...

Everyone's grateful, thankful, expectant...and yet no one bothers to see the little girl who is still afraid, who's looking for someone whom she could seek for protection, who feels that no one saw her efforts, who feels insecure with her place int he world because she feels like people would leave her one day when they found her beneficial no more.

And so, I went on a quest. And now I work. And I live. To feel loved.
By Him, who knows my fear and my insecurities.
By Him, whom I can always seek for protection.
By Him, who sees not what I can do, but what I am trying to do.
By Him, who advices me when I'm stuck, who consoles me when I'm sad, who listens to my pain, who surprises me with gifts beyond my imagination and expectations.
By Him, who is grateful when I take even a step towards Him.

And now I work. And now I live. So that I can meet Him in Paradise.