No one seems to be visiting my blog. It's kind of a good thing, I guess. I can pour out the stuff in my head without worrying how are people gonna accept the dark side of my mind.
Having travelled for 2 weeks with my parents and 2 couples of their friends really made reality look clear- relationship-wise that is. Things that I've thought before but was buried because of change of environment resurfaced.
I've lost faith in the marriage institution, or to be more accurate, in long-lasting love. I accept marriage, I do not reject it, as it has been ordained by God. And I accept love, I accept its existence, I accept how people can fall in love. But seeing what I have seen, living where I live, I highly doubt love can last life-long...unless you die early.
I'm sick of seeing men, walking ahead and leaving their women far behind. I'm sick of seeing men handing stuff for women to carry, or leaving their heavy luggages for women to heave. I'm sick of men, fed and rested, ordering women, hungry, tired, to do heavy work even after the women pleaded for a rest. I'm sick of women, being laughed at by their friends for "trembling" at holding a 500 dollar dress because they know their husbands easily buy a 1300 dollar suit. I'm sick of women having to travel without being allowed to even know when their flight is, or where are they gonna live. I'm sick of women having to stand and wait because their husbands "went somewhere" and didn't tell them where to go. I'm sick of women being forced to agree to something just so their husbands can pride themselves in their power. I'm sick of men taking their so-called "love of their life" for granted.
I find the word "sayang" so hypocritical when everyone can see she has to beg for extra money, and that you think everything you say is right, and everything she says is dumb.
I find the word "sayang" so hypocritical when you throw hot soup in her face and throws her out of the house when you're angry.
But I don't know, like I said, lifelong-lasting love doesn't seem to exist....where I live. The men in the West seem to appreciate the women they love more. They may not respect women, in the way the Easterns do, but they make up for it in gentleman mannerism and when they fall in love, you can really see it even when they're all grey-haired and wrinkled.
Do I sound like a feminist? Or a Western-ist? I don't count myself as any one of those, though. Maybe it's because I have pride in myself as a woman. I'm used to make decisions for myself. And my decisions aren't whims. Why does the world treat women as liabilities? They became liabilities because you treated them as liabilities and severed their potentials and nobilities. The world treats women as if they're lacking. But what women are lacking are actually the due respect that they rightfully deserve. The respect that God has ordained for them to receive.
I have my own head. I'm used to be given responsibilities and being pushed to my limits without being considered the difference in energy I have as a woman. I have my opinions. I have my thoughts. Why should I let another human being make me into such an unvalued being?
People fall in love. And that love that they've fallen into is beautiful. But when I see couples in love, I can't help myself imagining what will they be like in another 20 years. Will their "great love" survive? The kind of love which exists till death and beyond do exists, I'm sure. But, I think it's very rare. So rare that it'd be like a miracle to even witness one.
It's kind of a wake up call seeing these things again. I've been living among youths, and used to seeing young love, young married couples. It even came to a point that I took a step, kinda dipped my toe, into marriage, with these ideas and hopes that my life could be different, and pushed my fear of having my spouse be fed up with me after a few years of marriage and that I'd be taken granted for for the rest of my mortal existence.
Falling in love would be the end of me. I know myself. I can pretty much let myself go when I fall in love. I can't help myself when I'm in love...which makes me more convinced that it will be the end of me.
I don't wanna ever be in that state, of having a man take control of me and be the death of my soul. But, mom would be so sad. She's really hoping that I would marry as soon as possible. And she says I'll look so pitiful when I'm older and I don't have my children to take care of me, or if I don't have a child's home to go to during festive seasons. I don't wanna ever face that shame either.
It made me kinda of understand people who take their own lives. It's kind of... for once, being able to take control of your life, despite all the things and fears of things you can't control. It's a feeling of orchestrating the end of your mortal life.
I know. It's God's right. It is.
I'm just saying, I kinda understand why people would think it.
If I could live my youth strong, please my parents, and die early before I can shame my family for not marrying, and face the extra shame of having my organism to rot in the limbo of what people will call me "unattractive loneliness"
But, I cannot orchestrate my own end.
It is against God's will.
And I may sometimes be attracted to the things He forbids, but I do not go against His will.
And besides, I'm not confident of attaining paradise, but I don't wanna end up in the other one.
And, who's gonna take care of my parents when they're older?
Again, I say to myself: Sometimes, life is so hard, so painful...and there's no way out of life...
Having travelled for 2 weeks with my parents and 2 couples of their friends really made reality look clear- relationship-wise that is. Things that I've thought before but was buried because of change of environment resurfaced.
I've lost faith in the marriage institution, or to be more accurate, in long-lasting love. I accept marriage, I do not reject it, as it has been ordained by God. And I accept love, I accept its existence, I accept how people can fall in love. But seeing what I have seen, living where I live, I highly doubt love can last life-long...unless you die early.
I'm sick of seeing men, walking ahead and leaving their women far behind. I'm sick of seeing men handing stuff for women to carry, or leaving their heavy luggages for women to heave. I'm sick of men, fed and rested, ordering women, hungry, tired, to do heavy work even after the women pleaded for a rest. I'm sick of women, being laughed at by their friends for "trembling" at holding a 500 dollar dress because they know their husbands easily buy a 1300 dollar suit. I'm sick of women having to travel without being allowed to even know when their flight is, or where are they gonna live. I'm sick of women having to stand and wait because their husbands "went somewhere" and didn't tell them where to go. I'm sick of women being forced to agree to something just so their husbands can pride themselves in their power. I'm sick of men taking their so-called "love of their life" for granted.
I find the word "sayang" so hypocritical when everyone can see she has to beg for extra money, and that you think everything you say is right, and everything she says is dumb.
I find the word "sayang" so hypocritical when you throw hot soup in her face and throws her out of the house when you're angry.
But I don't know, like I said, lifelong-lasting love doesn't seem to exist....where I live. The men in the West seem to appreciate the women they love more. They may not respect women, in the way the Easterns do, but they make up for it in gentleman mannerism and when they fall in love, you can really see it even when they're all grey-haired and wrinkled.
Do I sound like a feminist? Or a Western-ist? I don't count myself as any one of those, though. Maybe it's because I have pride in myself as a woman. I'm used to make decisions for myself. And my decisions aren't whims. Why does the world treat women as liabilities? They became liabilities because you treated them as liabilities and severed their potentials and nobilities. The world treats women as if they're lacking. But what women are lacking are actually the due respect that they rightfully deserve. The respect that God has ordained for them to receive.
I have my own head. I'm used to be given responsibilities and being pushed to my limits without being considered the difference in energy I have as a woman. I have my opinions. I have my thoughts. Why should I let another human being make me into such an unvalued being?
People fall in love. And that love that they've fallen into is beautiful. But when I see couples in love, I can't help myself imagining what will they be like in another 20 years. Will their "great love" survive? The kind of love which exists till death and beyond do exists, I'm sure. But, I think it's very rare. So rare that it'd be like a miracle to even witness one.
It's kind of a wake up call seeing these things again. I've been living among youths, and used to seeing young love, young married couples. It even came to a point that I took a step, kinda dipped my toe, into marriage, with these ideas and hopes that my life could be different, and pushed my fear of having my spouse be fed up with me after a few years of marriage and that I'd be taken granted for for the rest of my mortal existence.
Falling in love would be the end of me. I know myself. I can pretty much let myself go when I fall in love. I can't help myself when I'm in love...which makes me more convinced that it will be the end of me.
I don't wanna ever be in that state, of having a man take control of me and be the death of my soul. But, mom would be so sad. She's really hoping that I would marry as soon as possible. And she says I'll look so pitiful when I'm older and I don't have my children to take care of me, or if I don't have a child's home to go to during festive seasons. I don't wanna ever face that shame either.
It made me kinda of understand people who take their own lives. It's kind of... for once, being able to take control of your life, despite all the things and fears of things you can't control. It's a feeling of orchestrating the end of your mortal life.
I know. It's God's right. It is.
I'm just saying, I kinda understand why people would think it.
If I could live my youth strong, please my parents, and die early before I can shame my family for not marrying, and face the extra shame of having my organism to rot in the limbo of what people will call me "unattractive loneliness"
But, I cannot orchestrate my own end.
It is against God's will.
And I may sometimes be attracted to the things He forbids, but I do not go against His will.
And besides, I'm not confident of attaining paradise, but I don't wanna end up in the other one.
And, who's gonna take care of my parents when they're older?
Again, I say to myself: Sometimes, life is so hard, so painful...and there's no way out of life...
